Debbie Downer's will always be there to rain on your parade. Negative Nancy's will always find a fault in everything or anything you do. Pessimistic Patty's will never look at the bright side of life. Then there's me.. Alex. I am only associating myself with the negative likes of Debbie, Nancy & Patty as I look back on previous post's and the word 'negative' definitely jumps to mind. Maybe I could be Annoying Alex? Angry Alex?
Being constantly negative is far from my personality. I absolutely loved the idea of loving and living life to the fullest before I was diagnosed.. now these feelings are only heightened. I was young and all though I hadn't accomplished much with my life.. I had many, many plans. With the threat of my life being taken away from me it quickly made me realise how short life really is and has only encouraged me to pursue my dreams even further and make a career I love, Louboutins or no Louboutins. I have no intentions of not living a long, happy and healthy life. Although this experience has made me question things such as, do I want to bring another life into this cruel world? I would rather take this experience as a more positive learning lesson than a negative bump in the road. I love to focus on the positive's, but I definitely know what it feels like to not see any positives in a life full of chemotherapy, steroids, blood transfusions and hospital's (I'm at it again with the negativity..).
I never had any intentions in making this blog all about the downer's of cancer and in fact I have loads of positive outlooks on the whole cancer thing.. but writing down the negatives is like throwing them away. Most of them are in the past and I do not want to dwell on things that have either upset, angered and/or frustrated me. I would rather get out all the emotions I was feeling and talk about the way I handled things.. and that would enable me to let go of the past. I couldn't start the next chapter of my life if I kept re-reading the last one. If I still woke up every morning feeling anger at the fact cancer had made its way into me and commenced a fight with my life then I would be feeling an unnecessary emotion. This would be due to me not being able to change the past; this was my life now and nothing or no-one had the ability to turn back time and change it. It's a bit like that saying everyone said when your secondary school crush broke your heart.. build a bridge and get over it. Writing is me building my bridge. Slowly but surely, I am getting over it. It's going to be a pretty long bridge as even though I am in remission, I still have 18 months worth of treatment left. That mean's there is plenty of time for things to go wrong.. I may take 5 steps forward for instance, but a little infection could set me 10 steps back.
I have said previously that I started the blog in aid of helping others.. but I was also helping myself. Not only was I letting others know that they are not alone, or if they are finding cancer and everything that comes with it difficult and could relate to any of my post's, but I was making myself a better and much happier person by doing so. I initially started writing the blog and kept it private. Maybe I just wanted to get everything out? But there was something about publishing it for the world to see that made me feel like I was really letting go. That I was pushing it out of my life and showing people what I have conquered. So here I am, showing the world the negative aspects of my cancer filled life and hoping that at least one person experiencing cancer has sat & read my blog, then walked away feeling more positive about what they are going through.
In with the positive, out with the negative.