Monday, 25 May 2015

Battling loneliness

Do I feel lonely? Not anymore. But did I feel lonely? Of course. I could be sat in a room full of people and still feel so alone.

When I was first diagnosed, I isolated myself. I barely left my hospital room for 2 and a half weeks. I didn't want to risk bumping into any other patients or interact with them. I think I just denied what was happening to me. I didnt want to accept what was going on and I just wanted it all to stop. My positive mentality (which I now have) wasn't there. I remember being taken to the Macmillan Centre for the first time in a wheelchair and I refused to go into the area where everyone has their treatment on the chairs. Why did I do that? Maybe because I felt like I didn't belong there, I'm not entirely sure. I didn't want to mingle with 'sick' people, even though I was sick myself. By isolating myself away from the only people that could make me feel a part of something just made it worst for me, but I was oblivious to that.

During this bitchy and selfish period, I felt so alone. On the outside, no-one would have noticed. I still smiled. I still put my make-up on. I always wore a wig. I was chatty. I met up with my friends and boyfriend. But behind closed doors, I would just cry and cry. Even the closest people to me couldn't understand what I was feeling and going through. That was what made me feel alone, not that I was physically alone, but mentally. No-one was able to understand, apart from other cancer fighters (not sick people I might like to add).

A light switch turned on in my head. It could have been after my meeting with one of the occupational therapists at UCLH, but I'm not sure. Speaking to the therapist I could get my emotions out and not hold back. I only needed one session and I was sorted. I felt like I was free of any burdens on my shoulder and I decided that I was done with being negative about my situation. As I started to mingle with others at the cancer centre, my life was put into perspective.

I began to feel less lonely. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. This is my life now, I cant change it and to be honest, I wouldn't change it. It has made me grow up and made me not want to take life for granted. I have met some of the most amazingly strong people ever. I scroll through twitter and get so irritated by people tweeting 'hate being ill' 'im so stressed' 'I need a holiday' 'can this cold go away' when those people seriously have no idea. This makes me think how easy it is to feel lonely when going through this situation, but if your mind is positive, you are positive and it allows you to feel a part of everybody else again.

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