2 eventful years later..

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to be older. Now that I am older, I am really beginning to realise that life is way too short and I no longer want to wish my years away. 

It overwhelms me to think that in this exact moment 2 years ago, I was sitting at the teenage cancer trust day care center of UCLH, still actively trying to process my diagnosis and how much my life had dramatically changed within 5 months. Dauntingly looking towards my bleak future which I knew would consist of much more chemotherapy and bland hospital food.

The rollercoaster of maintenance

I have technically been in remission for over a year now (!!!!!!). Out the doors I went, never looked back on the cancer center, the hospital wards and more importantly, the chemotherapy. I returned for regular check up's and carried on with my, some-what ordinary life. That's what you would expect to happen when your in remission, right? I do wish it was that simple with my diagnosis.

It's funny though, I never had a moment when someone sat me down and told me I was in remission. I continued to attend my treatment appointments as usual and nurses carried on with their job. It was only when I noticed that some members of staff started to speak to me as if I knew there were no leukaemic cells left in my body that I questioned it. I can't remember the exact words that were spoken, but I was in an isolated room, most likely having a treatment complication, and I kind of took in this 'remission' topic and smiled. I didn't cry. I expected myself to, but I didn't. I don't think I was at that relief stage yet as I still had months of intense treatment left, because no matter what stage in your treatment you reach remission with leukaemia, the treatment continues. Also, that wouldn't be the end of it, as after the intense treatment I would be tackling the next hurdle, maintenance treatment.

One thousand and more rays of sunshine

"Honestly, I'm okay thank you..". 

"Come on Alex.. Anything you want, anything you've dreamed of. Why would you not want to take up this offer? 

Why I didn't want to take up the offer of a 'wish' was simple. I had browsed the rays of sunshine website and the page which showed wishes that had previously been granted, was full of sweet, and incredibly young children with big smiles showing off their brand new iPad. I wanted to sacrifice my wish to allow another child to have an iPad. 

My reminder of the day

Cancer has taught me to not get caught up in the bad moments, but to look forward to what good there is ahead of me. I will always remember the moments I just sat there and thought ..              "Shit, I actually have cancer"

but I looked ahead to the moment of relief I would feel when I would be told I was in remission.

Some problems are only temporary, they will pass.. along with the bad day that came with it. 

My letter to you

Dear Jordan

I stare at this blank space for ages, finding it hard to know where to start.

Stop & smell the roses

Today, I experienced an annoying occurrence that every female can relate too.. I got a hole in my leggings. Something so small, can bring so much frustrate. Maybe not even the fact of the hole in the leggings, but having to go out of your way to go to a shop and fork out a fiver (its criminal if plain black leggings are any more expensive) for a new pair. No matter how many pairs of leggings you own, there will never be enough. Either someones borrowed a pair, someones stolen a pair, a pair is in the washing basket or they've vanished into thin air.

This particular pair of leggings weren't your average plain pair and I was pretty fond of them. Lets just say I spent alot more than a fiver on them. To put the cherry on top, my boyfriend decided it was funny to stick his finger in the what I thought could be salvagable hole, and make it ten times worst. Thank you Lukas darling.

But this post isn't about making holes in leggings.

World Cancer Day

Together, we can do something about it.

This time last year, I posted a picture on social media which represented my on-going battle with Leukaemia. This year, I post a picture, not with the intention of making it about myself, but for the thousands of other people, whether young or not, battling this dreadful disease.

A stolen life

I had been wheeled into T12 at UCLH, placed on a ward bed and all I wanted was privacy. The curtains around me were quickly being drawn as I started to have a meltdown but I caught a quick glimpse of a face opposite me, a kind face. 

You were the first face I came across after I had received my cancer diagnosis. At the time, you were just a friendly face I would smile at from across the room. But as time went on, things changed. I am now honoured to have been able to call you my friend.

1st January

This time last year, I laid in my hospital bed over new years & welcomed 2015 on a teenage cancer ward. This year, I welcomed 2016 quietly with friends and reflected on what a roller-coaster year I had. I had been waiting to say goodbye to 2015 for so long, and now I happily can. The year that brought me down on so many low levels, which has only allowed me to appreciate the highs so much more. I am extremely thankful for the help I received last year and most importantly thankful for my much improved health and the relief of being in remission.

 I am more than ready for a bigger, better and healthier 2016. 

So, I welcome January with a positive mind and attitude. Happy, Happy, Happy New Year. 

One year on..

On the 18th of december 2014 I was told by the doctors at my local hospital "We think you have leukaemia".

I clung onto the word 'think' until the next day when it was clarified that I did in fact, at 17, have cancer. So today is the day I consider it being a year since I was diagnosed. The news that broke my heart & changed my life forever. The news that has formed me into the strong person I am today.

Unhappy 1st birthday to my cancer! Too bad, you didn't win this time.

I found my sense of tumour

A cancer conference? Doesn't exactly sound like my cup of tea. A cancer conference held at Center Parcs? Well, pass me the sugar.

It sound's extremely selfish of me to decide to go on a cancer charity weekend due to its destination, but that is what attracted my attention at first. And to be honest, I am so glad it did.

The Teenage Cancer Trust run's two 'Find Your Sense of Tumour' weekends each year. One weekend for the under 18's and another weekend for over 18's. The conference was full of inspirational talks, presentations, celebrity speakers, play's, on-site workshops and complementary therapies. The weekend itself gave young people, just like me, the opportunity to widen their knowledge on their own cancer diagnosis and other cancer's that affect young people. The inspirational talks allowed people to share their personal experiences that others were able to relate too. Most importantly, the weekend allowed young people that have been in the same or similar position to meet and make life-time long friends. 

Although the weekend was jam packed with early morning starts, there was plenty of time to chill out and appreciate the amazing surroundings center parcs has to offer. With it being mid-november, center parcs had a real christmas feel about it which was an added bonus to the weekend. Prancer, Dasher, Comet and Blitzen even made an appearance! I'm guessing the other reindeers were left at the north pole. 

1st December

It has arrived. The month we all anticipate. The month full of celebrations. The month we all put on a few pounds. The month we all love, but a small minority hate (directed at all the scrooges - bah humbug to you!). The month father christmas comes along on his sleigh and fits his large cookies & milk filled belly down our fire places and leaves gifts for us to find on the 25th. The month were all suppose to tell the truth, according to Love Actually. Lastly, the month I was diagnosed with cancer.
So, Hello December, we have all been waiting.

Porta-what?

It was only 7.15am and I had already endured a short car ride, walk to the station, an over-ground train, an under-ground train and another walk to UCLH. I can't speak for my Mum, but I was definitely ready for bed and my day had only just begun.

I sat in an unfamiliar reception area, slightly dazed, waiting for my name to be called. "Alexandra Spain, would you like to come through". I was showed to a bed in a children's ward, as being 17 at the time was an awkward age as I was just above the children's age criteria but just below the adults. I changed into some more comfortable pyjama's and attempted to get some more sleep or at least peacefully shut my eyes. I then discovered that this wasn't going to be possible. Children, and I'm talking small babies here, were crying around me. Although I couldn't see them with my eyes, their painful cries made me feel uncomfortable and saddened me to think that such young children were most likely suffering an awful disease when their lives had barely begun. 

"Are you here to have it removed?" The nurse asked me.. I wished. I knew I had a long road ahead of me towards recovery and I would have done anything to fast forward time and be at the point where my portacath could be removed. Unfortunately, I didn't own a time machine. So there I was, patiently waiting to be taken down to theatre for an operation I wasn't even slightly prepared for. Queue the portacath. 

1st November

It is officially acceptable on my watch to start singing the Christmas songs we have been waiting to belt out at the top of our lungs all year - yes it's time to show off your inner Mariah Carey with an All I Want for Christmas sing song.  You can also bring out your Christmas penguin or reindeer pyjama's (because I know we all have a pair).

For me, November is a special month as I celebrate another year with my boyfriend on bonfire night.. remember remember the fifth of november for a whole different reason.

So, hello November. Let the Christmas countdown begin.

The greater things in life for us

Cancer comes with a whole bag full of negatives that can weigh you down, so it's difficult to see pass that and allow yourself to open your eyes to the positive things that cancer has to offer. It is hard to believe that there even are positives, but I promise you they are hiding there somewhere. The biggest positive I now see since my cancer diagnosis is realising a huge life lesson; learning not to take things for granted and to appreciate the little things; like a hug from family members or the fact that your living and breathing another day. If your lying in bed.. get up, go out, make the most of the 24 hours you have ahead of you because the hours left in your life is always decreasing, so if your able to do something with your day, do it. 

So, can cancer really be easy? Well no, but there are things that will make your battle with this dreadful disease that little bit easier and may motivate you to keep going. These 'things' I keep mentioning are charities that dedicate their time and efforts in making life easier and more enjoyable for cancer patients. The majority of charities I personally associate myself with are based on my age, eighteen, but if your an older adult, I know there are plenty of charities out there that can help you also such as http://www.shinecancersupport.org/

The most precious gift.. Life

"I need blood". Something you may hear from a vampire if they existed.. Can you tell I've been watching too much of The Vampire Diaries? But in fact, these were the words of me, lying on my landing after collapsing on the wooden floorboards with a huge crash in the middle of the night. I had woken up needing the toilet, barely being able to open my eyes and managed to unsteadily get out of bed. The next thing I re-call is finding it difficult to keep my head up which had suddenly become extremely heavy and keeping myself up right via a wall. "Do you want to go to hospital?". Why would anyone actually want to go to hospital? It is just mostly full of unwanted bad news & experiences. So no Mum, I did not want to go to hospital, especially not at 3.37am. I knew I needed a blood transfusion beforehand, but I was trying to fight against an unwanted hospital visit which was wrong of me. With the help of my Mum, I got my weakened self into bed and went back to sleep to at least attempt to re-fuel my body in preparation for a long day at the hospital the following day.. which was a Sunday. Sunday's are made for pyjama's, chilling, films, roasts (unless your my Mum & hate cooking) and for just being lazy. Sunday's are definitely not made for blood transfusions. 

Debbie Downer, Negative Nancy, Pessimistic Patty & Alex..

Debbie Downer's will always be there to rain on your parade. Negative Nancy's will always find a fault in everything or anything you do. Pessimistic Patty's will never look at the bright side of life. Then there's me.. Alex. I am only associating myself with the negative likes of Debbie, Nancy & Patty as I look back on previous post's and the word 'negative' definitely jumps to mind. Maybe I could be Annoying Alex? Angry Alex?  

Being constantly negative is far from my personality. I absolutely loved the idea of loving and living life to the fullest before I was diagnosed.. now these feelings are only heightened. I was young and all though I hadn't accomplished much with my life.. I had many, many plans. With the threat of my life being taken away from me it quickly made me realise how short life really is and has only encouraged me to pursue my dreams even further and make a career I love, Louboutins or no Louboutins. I have no intentions of not living a long, happy and healthy life. Although this experience has made me question things such as, do I want to bring another life into this cruel world? I would rather take this experience as a more positive learning lesson than a negative bump in the road. I love to focus on the positive's, but I definitely know what it feels like to not see any positives in a life full of chemotherapy, steroids, blood transfusions and hospital's (I'm at it again with the negativity..).

Battling hospital stays

Before my diagnosis, I had only spent one night in a hospital. One night, that's nothing. I was pretty high on morphine so I cant even remember that one night. So, it was a pretty big shock to the system to be spending 2 and a half weeks in a hospital. I must admit, at UCLH all the patients are so spoiled by all the hospital staff including the nurses, cleaners, activity co-ordinators and more. At the time I didn't appreciate what they all did for me to the max because I didn't really know any difference. But wow, the spoiled statement is no exaggeration now I've experienced stays in different hospitals.

For cancer patients if your temperature hits 38, its game over. Your straight to your local hospital to be admitted and hooked up to antibiotics. It is so important to be taken to your local hospital as you don't know what nasty infection or virus could be brewing inside of you. Sadly for me, I am not too keen on my local hospital. Even before I had ever been to UCLH, I still didn't like it. So, whenever my temperature has hit 38 I have cried at the mere fact that I will be spending the next few days or so at a hospital filled of happiness, sunshine, bright coloured walls and surrounded by staff that have smiles from ear to ear.. Ha. Ha. Sarcasm at it's finest.

1st October

I am definitely ready for golden and misty mornings, crisp air, darker and longer evenings and to watch the beauty of nature unravel around me. Personally, this time of year is one of my favourites and also close to my heart as it is breast cancer awareness month. 

Its starting to become almost acceptable to bring out your big winter coats (especially with the great british weather we endure). It will start to become more difficult for cancer patients to find warm clothing that allows their port or pic-line to be easily accessed.. But cosying up by the fire (or a radiator will do) with a warm drink after a long day of treatment will make it better - apologies for being so damn cliché. If someone is feeling too rough to go out after their treatment they won't feel so left out at this time of year due to a large percentage of brits choosing to spend their weekends indoors in favour for tv shows like the x-factor and strictly come dancing. 

I haven't even mentioned the best bit.. Halloween. You'll have a good 31 days to decide on your chosen fancy dress outfit, preferably something a little more outside of the box and avoiding the obvious witch, devil or sexy cat idea. As a child I was not allowed to trick or treat as my mum didnt believe in the silly American tradition, but as I've grown older I have become to quite childishly love this day that comes around once a year! (Sorry mum). So, Hello October. 

Sprinkle of happiness.. but a sprinkle of shit first

Preparation for this trip had been taking place for months now. Everyone had been counting down the days.. except my clueless mum. We were about to celebrate her very special birthday in the city of love, Paris. I was so convinced that there would be no obstacle that would in any way jeopardise this trip as I would be on maintenance. And maintenance seemed so simple.. So I thought.

I may have only been on maintenance for about 5 weeks but I had discussed my plans with my specialist nurse and consultant months before the trip to ensure I would be okay before we hit the confirm button on all the trains tickets and accommodation. If only I knew that luck wasn't going to be on my side the few days ahead of the trip.