Debbie Downer, Negative Nancy, Pessimistic Patty & Alex..

Debbie Downer's will always be there to rain on your parade. Negative Nancy's will always find a fault in everything or anything you do. Pessimistic Patty's will never look at the bright side of life. Then there's me.. Alex. I am only associating myself with the negative likes of Debbie, Nancy & Patty as I look back on previous post's and the word 'negative' definitely jumps to mind. Maybe I could be Annoying Alex? Angry Alex?  

Being constantly negative is far from my personality. I absolutely loved the idea of loving and living life to the fullest before I was diagnosed.. now these feelings are only heightened. I was young and all though I hadn't accomplished much with my life.. I had many, many plans. With the threat of my life being taken away from me it quickly made me realise how short life really is and has only encouraged me to pursue my dreams even further and make a career I love, Louboutins or no Louboutins. I have no intentions of not living a long, happy and healthy life. Although this experience has made me question things such as, do I want to bring another life into this cruel world? I would rather take this experience as a more positive learning lesson than a negative bump in the road. I love to focus on the positive's, but I definitely know what it feels like to not see any positives in a life full of chemotherapy, steroids, blood transfusions and hospital's (I'm at it again with the negativity..).

Battling hospital stays

Before my diagnosis, I had only spent one night in a hospital. One night, that's nothing. I was pretty high on morphine so I cant even remember that one night. So, it was a pretty big shock to the system to be spending 2 and a half weeks in a hospital. I must admit, at UCLH all the patients are so spoiled by all the hospital staff including the nurses, cleaners, activity co-ordinators and more. At the time I didn't appreciate what they all did for me to the max because I didn't really know any difference. But wow, the spoiled statement is no exaggeration now I've experienced stays in different hospitals.

For cancer patients if your temperature hits 38, its game over. Your straight to your local hospital to be admitted and hooked up to antibiotics. It is so important to be taken to your local hospital as you don't know what nasty infection or virus could be brewing inside of you. Sadly for me, I am not too keen on my local hospital. Even before I had ever been to UCLH, I still didn't like it. So, whenever my temperature has hit 38 I have cried at the mere fact that I will be spending the next few days or so at a hospital filled of happiness, sunshine, bright coloured walls and surrounded by staff that have smiles from ear to ear.. Ha. Ha. Sarcasm at it's finest.

1st October

I am definitely ready for golden and misty mornings, crisp air, darker and longer evenings and to watch the beauty of nature unravel around me. Personally, this time of year is one of my favourites and also close to my heart as it is breast cancer awareness month. 

Its starting to become almost acceptable to bring out your big winter coats (especially with the great british weather we endure). It will start to become more difficult for cancer patients to find warm clothing that allows their port or pic-line to be easily accessed.. But cosying up by the fire (or a radiator will do) with a warm drink after a long day of treatment will make it better - apologies for being so damn cliché. If someone is feeling too rough to go out after their treatment they won't feel so left out at this time of year due to a large percentage of brits choosing to spend their weekends indoors in favour for tv shows like the x-factor and strictly come dancing. 

I haven't even mentioned the best bit.. Halloween. You'll have a good 31 days to decide on your chosen fancy dress outfit, preferably something a little more outside of the box and avoiding the obvious witch, devil or sexy cat idea. As a child I was not allowed to trick or treat as my mum didnt believe in the silly American tradition, but as I've grown older I have become to quite childishly love this day that comes around once a year! (Sorry mum). So, Hello October. 

Sprinkle of happiness.. but a sprinkle of shit first

Preparation for this trip had been taking place for months now. Everyone had been counting down the days.. except my clueless mum. We were about to celebrate her very special birthday in the city of love, Paris. I was so convinced that there would be no obstacle that would in any way jeopardise this trip as I would be on maintenance. And maintenance seemed so simple.. So I thought.

I may have only been on maintenance for about 5 weeks but I had discussed my plans with my specialist nurse and consultant months before the trip to ensure I would be okay before we hit the confirm button on all the trains tickets and accommodation. If only I knew that luck wasn't going to be on my side the few days ahead of the trip.

Does the heart ache ever end?

It is safe to say I have had one of the hardest 18 months of my life. I am only 18 years old and it is refreshing to know I have many more happy years to come, but at the moment, the past year or so has been extremely low. As soon as things start to pick up, something comes and shits on my happiness. Sorry that I cant keep it PG but my aggravation has got the better of me.

Last week, I lost my beloved dog Lulu.